My major in college was Rhetoric and Communication. In these classes we learned how humans read one another: through the content of the message, through nonverbal cues, through mass media, small groups, interpersonal communication. I loved my classes and continue to find the field fascinating.
One might think that this education and interest would translate into being an excellent communicator.
Uh, no.
Although I do comprehend the mechanisms of how messages are sent and received, I find that I am a woefully inadequate instrument when it comes to understanding and being understood.
Why is that? I am human and a pretty flawed one at that. The list of "challenging" traits could be a mile long but here are some major reasons why I don't communicate well all the time:
- I think I know a hell of a lot.
- I am very sensitive.
- I like the sound of my own voice.
- I enjoy the game of communication.
- I think quickly and assume I know what someone is going to do or say.
- I am really quite shy.
- I am lazy.
Don't worry - I have lots of great qualities too. And these challenging qualities aren't always in full effect. Over the years my know-it-all-ness has toned down a lot. I've developed a slightly thicker skin and have learned to laugh at myself. I've learned to relinquish control over others and their speech so I can just sit back and enjoy. I've parlayed my interest in communications into satisfying work. I've learned (repeatedly) that I cannot anticipate everything and have seen the benefits of hearing others out. I have recognized my strengths in public speaking (which I love) can be applied to small group or one-on-one communication (which terrifies me.) And I've figured out systems to keep me going to the end of the communication task and overcome my natural laziness.
If you do a google search for "communication skills for managers" you will find over 5 million results (in 1/3 of a second!) Lots of great info out there, especially if you haven't had the opportunity or interest in taking a scholarly approach to communication. However, all this information will be useless if we don't identify our own personal challenges to communicating (giving AND receiving information.)
Humans have been communicating for hundreds of thousands of years. Rhetoric developed rather recently with the ancient Greeks. Modern communication and management studies emerged in the last century or two. You may find that a little self-observation and introspection can be more beneficial than taking a random skill building class or reading 10 online articles about communication. Exchange of information is such an innate human skill that you may be able to pinpoint areas of personal growth that will result in improved communication - all without sitting in a class for six hours.
Here are some questions to get you started on the glorious path of self-discovery:
- When do you feel the most frustrated in talking with your supervisor? With your team or volunteers? With your friends?
- When do you feel that you have been totally successful in being understood?
- Do you get defensive when receiving feedback? Do you shut down?
- Are there activities or opportunities you say "No thanks!" to that involve communicating? Are they to large groups? Small groups? Individuals?
- What topics do you feel uncomfortable talking about? Fundraising? Policies? Feelings? Giving negative feedback to people? Receiving positive feedback?
For me, I recognize that my fuse is kind of short and I tend to react big and quick. Recognizing that allowed me to focus some of my self-improvement energy into building a buffer that gives me a moment to assess before I react. This was very powerful when I was working at the shelter. The drama there was incredible, and I was being manipulated by some very talented people. They actually called me "baitfish" because I was so easy to get going. I lost credibility and authority because of that. When I started figuring this out, I first had to laugh at how gullible I was, but then I felt much more calm, in control of the situation and empowered to actually lead. No longer was I constantly battling for respect.
Taking a few minutes to meditate on what your particular foibles and strengths are can get you started on improving your communication skills. Of course it would be a lot easier if we could just read an article or two and figure out the keys, but self-knowledge and growth will go a lot further.
Come back next Wednesday for the next installment of "Be a Better Manager" when we discuss everyone' favorite topic: managing money!
